InsaneJournal

[series: Fuzzies] 03 The Darnedest Things
[ Warm Fuzzies And Logic - 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 ]

03 The Darnedest Things

Pairing/Characters: Duo & Quatre; mention of Trowa, Wu Fei, Heero, Sally.
Rating & Warnings: R for informal/offensive language and profanity
Notes: Torques, in this fic, is a take on Blue Collar Workers.
"I'm Your Venus" is a Shocking Blue song.

Summary: Wednesday. Quatre gets his kicks poking fun at Duo.



"Hell, I say the darnedest things when I'm drunk!"

To put more gusto to his claim, Duo waved his arms around, nearly knocking over his coffee cup.

"For example – I told Fei I'd spread around the most compromising picture I have of him if he wouldn't sing karaoke with me. But you know, Kat," he continued, his index finger first pointing at Quatre, then tapping insistently on the table, "that a certain special agent Yuy has taken possession of the negatives, claiming it's for the sake of World Peace. And since Hee-man's still miffed about me switching his cell for Howard's— well, I don't have a death wish."


Quatre, suppressing a giggle, raised a hand in apology at the perturbed-looking couple sitting at the table next to them and smiled at a passing waitress.

It had been Duo's idea to meet at the little lunchroom for coffee, since Quatre would fly back to his mansion in the Arab Emirates first thing next morning. He would be back for Zechs and Noin's wedding on Saturday, but would have to leave the reception early. Duo had understood that a Big Cheese like Winner Junior has limited vacation time.

Up until now, though, the topics for conversation they had worked through had either seemed a bit far-fetched —even for a guy who could easily hold a fifteen-minute monologue about the major commonalities between Heero and a strawberry-flavoured doughnut— or ended with Duo theatrically swinging his arms and raising his voice. It amused Quatre to see Duo's creativity in wriggling away from certain aspects of last Saturday's party including a particular person who had attended it.


In the corner of his eye Quatre could see his roused friend focusing his attention on his coffee.

"Admitted, you do say the darnedest things." He paused to observe Duo putting more sugar in his coffee and stirring the beverage frantically. "But Duo, you weren't just saying things that made it obvious for anybody to see you like Trowa."


Duo swiftly raised his coffee cup, obviously to conceal his facial expression. Quatre leaned forward, smiling, holding his mocha between his hands with his index fingers pointing at Duo.

"When Trowa returned from seeing Cathy out, you pinned him to a wall." He lowered his voice conspiratorially. "And then, you kissed him full on the lips. For about ten seconds."


The couple that had been at the table next to them was getting ready to leave. Duo, not lowering his cup, turned his head to watch them put on their coats.

"So? I do the darnedest things when I'm drunk as well."

"True."


Quatre leaned back in his chair and sipped his mocha. Duo's discomfort was visible both in the way he scanned their surroundings for distractions and in the redness of his left ear, visible to Quatre just beside the white cup he was holding to hide his face behind. He giggled.

Duo lowered his cup and met his eyes with an annoyed look.


"What! I've done crazier things while totally shit-faced."

"So you have. But drunk or not, you never lie. You definitely have a crush on Trowa."

"Sure I do." Duo scraped his throat. "Lie, I mean."

He focused his attention on the leaving couple. "Man, that guy looked like a complete git wearing that tie."


"It was a blind date," Quatre replied automatically. "And no, you don't. I'm also sure you would have deemed Wu Fei singing 'I'm your Venus' worth even Heero's most serious death-threat."

A small smirk appeared on Duo's lips. "Okay, yes. Shocking Wu would have definitely been worth risking my untimely demise, even if it turned out I only had to force feed Fei about eight Breezers. Sal damn near pissed herself when Fei got into the spirit and ripped his shirt open. All in all, it resulted in some perfectly embarrassing Leverage for my next scheme." He shrugged. "Still, I've been known to fib. A little."

He watched the couple walking out and pausing on the sidewalk. "So, how could you tell it was a blind date?" He picked the spoon out of his cup and thoughtfully raised it to his lips.


Quatre rolled his eyes and sighed. Though getting a little bored with Duo's changes of topic, he took a big breath for his report.

"Him: necktie, mismatched and dishevelled socks, shirt straight from the package, abundant aftershave. Her: new haircut, fresh manicure, fidgety, strangely preoccupied with her lip-gloss." He sighed. "Furthermore, they were both wearing the same yellow scarf."

"So? Yellow's all the rage. For all you know it could be his first time meeting a class prozzie."

"He had index cards in his wallet with conversation starters."

"Index cards? Really?" Duo chuckled. He dropped the spoon on his saucer and turned his attention back to his coffee to take a sip.


"Alright, Duo, you may not exactly be the Icon of Truthfulness," Quatre conceded, "but you have an honest face."

He shook his head when Duo replied with a snort in his cup.

"I can see you blushing behind your cup, Duo. You can lie all you want, but your face is glowing."


A last swig started Duo coughing. Quatre put down his mocha and leaned forward to reach for and pass his glass of water.

"That's because," Duo uttered between coughs, accepting the glass, "I'm kinda hot."

Quatre laughed and shook his head again as Duo drank the water.

"No, your blush is bright enough to be used as a beacon, Maxwell. Incidentally, 'kinda hot'," he added in his lowered, conspiratorial voice, "that's exactly what Trowa said about you."

With a jerk of his arm, Duo spilled half the contents of the glass over his face and shirt. Wide-eyed and extremely flustered he met Quatre's eyes, probably believing what he saw was a Knowing Look.

"Seriously? He said I was ...kinda hot...?"


Quatre raised his eyebrows and picked up his cup, to drink what remained of his mocha. He managed to keep his glee from showing until he down his empty cup and wiped the cream off his lips with his napkin; Duo had dropped his guard, thus admitting to having fallen for the one guy he probably thought he could not get. Quatre almost felt sorry for finding it funny.

Almost.

"No, he didn't." He looked smugly into his flustered friend's eyes. "I've been known to fib a little. What he said is he remembered your ears and cheeks having the same colour as his paper umbrella, which I see he could be right about. By the way, we'd better get going." He raised a hand to attract the waitress' attention.


Duo scowled and put the glass down noisily. "Sometimes you're such a mean little rat, Kat."

Quatre smiled sweetly. "I know. 'Whatever gets the job done', isn't that what you Torques always say?"

"Yeah, yeah. Make me the jerk, you pompous twat." Duo dried his face with his sleeve and turning his scowl at the wet spots on his shirt.


"If it's any consolation," Quatre said, to offer something like an olive branch, "you did ruffle Trowa's feathers a bit." He produced his wallet and winked at Duo, who raised his scowl to look at him again.
"Since the party he has been calling me every night, always ending the call carefully informing after you."

Duo's flustered scowl hardened into a hot glare. "Yeah, right. You say 'carefully informing after you', I paraphrase 'keeping track of his freaky friend's whereabouts'. I'd hoped he'd been too drunk to remember."



"Well, I think it's kind of sweet," Quatre mused, replaying the incident of the drunken kiss in his mind. "He's not upset about what happened at all, if a little confused. He seems genuinely concerned about your health and sanity."

"Health and sanity!" Duo buried his face in his hands, groaning with frustration. "Gods, he's going to be looking at me funny forever!"


The hailed waitress arrived at their table. She put a saucer with the receipt on the table and asked if everything had been according to wish.

"No, this is a nightmare," Duo wailed from behind his hands, to the girl's surprise. "I'm never going to drink again!"


Quatre reassured the waitress with a charming smile. "The mocha was excellent. And my boisterous friend never puts his lips to things he does not like."

Ignoring Duo's protesting groan and curses, he checked the receipt and put the owed money—including a generous tip—on the saucer.